[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what