A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
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I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
🙀🙀🙀😹
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*