Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
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Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
🙂🙃🥹
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?