Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]