Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
You Might Also Like
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
*seductively eats two tums*
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.