me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word