ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
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95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Siri: Retweet me.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*