ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Meat Cute
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.