Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.