I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.