Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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Seems legit
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Squirrels before girls.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom