Worlds greatest photobomb
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.