@NicestHippo: *runs into restaurant* IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR? "I'm a doctor" Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I'm very poor

@DPRK_News: "Halloween" is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.

@iwearaonesie: friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you? me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

@michaeljdawson: Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

@Smooheed: Stop screaming! I thought you'd appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower