Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Same pineapple, same
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.