I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
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The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Banking tips
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Sell your car
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!