*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
You Might Also Like
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
technically true but not a great slogan
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.