ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
wait.
Cha-ching is my safe word
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok