ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.