Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
You Might Also Like
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
How does one answer this?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions