Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it