Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
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trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant