Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
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Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo