LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”