Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
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If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist