Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
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As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Oh, I bet you would be
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.