Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”