[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”