Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.