That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
You Might Also Like
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My neck, my back, my…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.