ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Story of my life…..
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
How funny!
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
japanese corn
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?