Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
You Might Also Like
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Batman v Dracula
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me