ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
HOW DARE YOU
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all