*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Ok but actually
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically