me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE