Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on