Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.