ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco