*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
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If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.