Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
So inspired right now.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes