Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Always
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that