Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
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“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
<- sleeps well with others
…..pretty much.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.