Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
No chill.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.