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@mdob11: Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That's not how this works
@JoshuaHvr: Boss: "Are you texting?"
Me: "No, I'm Tweeting."
Boss: "What's the difference?"
Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
@Jake_Vig: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don't get to read my tweets.
@Lovestained555: If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
@TheToddWilliams: Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
@ZaraEatWorld: The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow"
Maybe I eat too much pizza ...