My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
What’s this sorcery? 😂
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.