Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already