me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder