me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.