me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it