me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.