5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
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[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
stop
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
wait.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*