(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The Book. The Movie.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up