(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
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How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”